Well.... WE HAVE THE SOLUTION TO THESE and OTHER PROBLEMS!
This will work wonders in a matter of moments. All you need to do is come out to the Genuine Faux Farm on a day where the forecast calls for "Breezy" weather. It is best if the day is sunny and the weather is dry. Apply suntan lotion. Go out into the fields and VIOLA - instant tan! Of course, it won't be as smooth as your skin might normally be. In fact, we guarantee that your skin won't be as smooth as it normally is after this application is removed. But, we accept that this is small price to pay for beauty.
For those who wish for a deeper, layered look, we suggest running a tiller for half an hour. We specialize in the 'Reverse Raccoon' look. Simply apply goggles over your eyes while running the tiller.
Highlights of Your Day, Month - or Just Your Hair
We make no claim of instant gratification here. However, if you spend enough time outside at the Genuine Faux Farm, those of you with darker hair will be awarded with highlights that rival the best any salon can give you! We recommend that you wear a hat so that the resulting ring of darker hair can accentuate how fine those accents in your hair really are.
Who Needs an Emery Board?
Spend some time digging in the dirt at the Genuine Faux Farm and you'll no longer have need for that Emery Board. We use a twofold approach to removing the need for this little accessory.
First, you will find that your nails, one way or the other, are going to be shorter. And, any cracks or sharp points will tend to wear off. Don't worry about any new splits or other issues with your nails. In most cases they are replaced by other splits, etc in a short period of time, eliminating the need to address the original problem. There will be no need of a manicure either, since your cuticles will get pushed back when you plunge your hands in to the dirt.
Second, if you really feel you need an emory board to file down something - just use your hands. A few days working in the dirt and your hands will rival a cats tongue for roughness. We find this to be incredibly useful when building fine furniture.
Free Mulch, Compost and Potting Soil
While you are working on your tan, do not forget that the farm will throw in a free bonus of mulch or potting soil that will be deposited in your nose, ears and eyes during your stay. For those that wish the potting soil, you should clean the soil out of your ears, etc upon arriving home after your visit. For those that wish to have mulch, make sure you come on a windy day where we are applying straw. And, of course, compost requires that you do NOT clean out your ears right away. The first sign of a giant ragweed germinating out the side of your head is an indication that your compost is nearing readiness. It also probably means you forgot to the turn the compost in a timely manner.
Who needs a spa? Come work on the farm! Tom Sawyer Day is Saturday - 2:30pm to 5:00pm.