Why Stay?

I remember the times I worked for my Grandfather during the summer months.  It was usually for a week at a time - probably because that was about as long as he wanted to deal with any of his grandchildren, even if some of us weren't much of a problem.  And, every morning we would get up early and hop into the truck to head to one of the two or three places he would go for breakfast.

Grandpa was a cement contractor and he went places where other contractors and builders would go for their breakfasts.  There would be work conversation, reports on family, a fair amount of teasing and coarseness, and - of course - they would have a little fun at the kid's expense when they could.

I handled it well enough, but usually kept a pretty low profile and didn't attract too much of the conversation.  Mostly, I observed.. and ate.

After one morning where a few of the regulars were particularly... shall we say... difficult (and not with me), Grandpa grumbled something about "not being sure why he kept coming back to that place because of those [guys]."

And, did we go back to that place for the remainder of the week?  No.  Did we go the next time I was working for him.  Yes.

Back when the internet was "new" and people were just figuring out that you could have asynchronous conversations with people from all over the world in places called "bulletin boards" and "chat rooms," conversation groups about all sorts of topics formed.  I remember joining something called "rec.collecting.stamps" and another group that had to do with my research in computer science at the time.  These were places where people with similar interests could go and connect.  It didn't matter if one person was in Maryland and another in Minnesota.

But, just like the restaurant with a few people who often crossed the line, these virtual places also attracted folks who made life difficult for the rest.

The thing was...  it was easier to be (or at least feel like you were) anonymous.  Which meant some people who were normally pretty good to get along with in person became quite difficult online.

Sometimes a someone - or a couple of someones - would cross the line and I would grumble.  And then leave for a while.  And then come back.

So - Why stay?

I can think of two reasons.

1. It was the place where I could find people who had some of these interests that I shared.  Many of those individuals made my life richer and my enjoyment of the topic fuller.   If they left the group and never came back, there would be no benefit for me to return because I really did not need to stay and watch the train wreck of continuous abuse and bad behavior.  And, similarly, if I left, I would not be there to support them either. 

and

2. If I left, I would be left without a peer group surrounding that interest, whether it was work or hobby related.  I would have to search, once again, for a new group that made me feel comfortable with a shared interest OR I would simply remain isolated and my appreciation for the subject might suffer for it.  And, if I did find a new group, I knew it would be only a matter of time until someone popped up that would make that environment difficult too.

Sound familiar?  If you use the internet to participate in a virtual group, I am certain it does.

If you find yourself coming back or staying is it because you feel you bear some responsibility to provide value to the group?  Or, is it because you need the group and don't feel you can find a better substitute?

Just something to contemplate this Wednesday.  Have a good week everyone!