The following is back by popular demand with some edits to improve what was a decent blog post. Enjoy if you wish - no pressure. This is how a quiet person speaks.
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"You're so quiet. I can't believe you don't say anything. I mean, how can you be so quiet? I almost forgot you were there!"
exclaimed one of the members of our group as we walked from rehearsal
to a quick lunch at a local sub shop. In response, I just shrugged my
shoulders.
It
was actually a pretty good question coming from a person who was far
more outgoing than I ever would be. Unlike so many other folks who were
extroverted in high school, this individual actually seemed to be truly
curious - with a bit of actual concern thrown in for good measure. I
am sure, from their perspective, that my presence in the group was a bit
confusing. He's with us, but he doesn't seem to be with us because he
doesn't say much of anything.
What were they to make of that?
And
what would they do if they realized I could summarize everything the
rest of the group had said for the past hour in less than a minute? I
mean, I had nothing I cared to add - if I had nothing to add, why should I open
my mouth?
Play Ball!
You might notice a baseball theme going on over the past few days. If you like that theme, good for you. If you don't, bear with me because... this too shall pass.
It
was not uncommon for me to play some baseball with a couple of other
friends on a regular basis in junior high. Essentially one person would
pitch and one would hit. And if you had one or two others, they would
chase down whatever was hit.
It was a familiar place and a
familiar activity. I usually had some connection with the others who
played, but it wasn't necessary - it was baseball!
One day, when I
was the 'fielder,' I yelled encouragement, jokes, and good-natured
ribbing at the other two participants. Of those two people, one was a
very good friend who knew me well - it didn't seem odd to him. The
other was a ... well... distant friend? So, he did not know me all that
well.
After we called a break to hunt for a baseball that had
gone into the tall grass, he gave me an odd look and said, "What's with
you? You NEVER talk that much."
I just shrugged my shoulders and found the missing baseball.
Say What You Mean
The
high school class was U.S. Government and the teacher, someone I had
come to respect, was trying to get students in this required class to
provide some opinions about a particular topic.
It was high
school, so there was very little volunteered discussion and most of the
answers were filled with "ums and ers" and very few had much substance
beyond the basics (if that). Per the norm, I didn't usually volunteer unless it was under duress. But, I did answer
when called upon and I might answer when it was clear no one else was going to fill the vacuum and an answer was necessary to move forward.
So on this particular day, I gave a concise four-sentence answer that expressed what I understood about the question at hand and then ... stopped.
A girl next to me who could be described as extremely outgoing and very talkative looked at me, her eyes wide with shock, and said, "Holy crap!"
It
wasn't because I was quiet that she commented - it was because the
quiet individual just encapsulated an entire, relatively complex,
position in a compact paragraph. I understood her meaning because I had
seen the look that went with her words before in other settings.
I gave her a quick look and a small shrug.
Words With Purpose
I
was leading a discussion-based class that focused on morality, ethics
and science as a professor of computer science. As was always the case
in every group of people, there were talkers and there were 'quiet
folks.' Some of the quiet folks might have been quiet because they were
lost, tired or unwilling/uninterested in participating. But, there
were also the quiet listeners and thinkers. The ones who might suddenly
erupt and cause everyone else to say "holy crap!"
After a few
weeks of class, I introduced a discussion on
introversion and extroversion. And, I asked them what they thought I
was. The general response was that I must be an extrovert. Until one
of the quiet students broke out of her silence and said - "You are
working hard to be an extrovert because it is your job to to be one
right now. And you don't have office hours right after your last class
so you can recover."
Holy crap.
Nice call.
The Quiet People
Not
every person who tends towards introversion behaves the same way or
likes the same things and not every quiet person appears to be an
introvert all the time. In fact, some quiet people can really get going
when they are with someone they know well and trust. And, they can
often do well when their role calls for being more open and expressive.
Anyway,
there are some things that seem to be true for most of us - I can't be
sure of this, because we don't talk together to compare notes ( Hey.
That was an 'introvert joke.' If you are an introvert you may now
indulge in a quiet inner smile. If you are not, you may continue to be
confused.)
The quiet people aren't always sure about the purpose
of small talk and they often spend more time listening than they speak.
In fact, you might be surprised how much they listen and how often they
take what you might think is a 'throw away' comment to heart.
Sometimes they nurture the wrong things for far too long and it
festers. Some quiet people can almost 'bleed out' in front of your eyes
when something hits too close to home. At other times, they can take
the glow of an implied compliment and fan it into an inferno. You won't
necessarily know its happening, because they won't advertise. Just
trust me that it does happen.
The quiet people are often
unconvinced that you care to hear from them - sometimes because they
aren't sure they have much to offer - and sometimes because they are
pretty sure you really don't want to invest in listening. And even if
they are pretty sure you are willing to listen, they usually self-edit
just to make sure they don't overstay their welcome in your life. For
that matter, they often delete some of the words they might say because
they are (often painfully) aware that what they say could hurt you.
The
quiet people don't always want to be alone. They often value
companionship as much, but differently, than other people do.
One
difference is that the quiet people don't always want to experience the stress of
interaction for interaction's sake. Add a little purpose - like a board
game, or a volleyball match - and it can work pretty well. Put them in
a large gathering to just "hang out" and they won't feel comfortable enough to talk much
until it's time to go and they can help put some things away (assuming
they lasted that long).
Sometimes, the quiet person just wants to be in
the room where it is all happening, preferably accompanied by a special
person or two who won't completely abandon them to the 'heathen
extroverts' cavorting about the place! (although it is just as likely they just want to
get out of that place and go read a book!)
The quiet people
take solace in conversations that have a predetermined purpose. And
sometimes, the quiet people write words - because they know others who
want to read them will - and those who tire of them can move on.