Not Smart Enough

 I still clearly remember my second trip to the elementary school library when I was in the first grade.  I know that might seem odd to you that I would remember the second trip, but I think you'll get it once the story is completed.  I only vaguely recall the first trip when the entire class of 25 students went all at one time to get a tour.  They showed us the 'section' where the books 'for first graders' were located and the librarian probably waved around at the rest a bit as well.  I am not sure.  I suspect I was probably looking at a book...

Yep, he doesn't look all that smart.  Notice the cat has its back turned to him?

The second trip was when I was sent with the rest of the advanced reading group to go to the school library and select a book.  One of the perks of being in the 'advanced' group was that you could pick things from other shelves that were NOT in the first grader section.  Looking back, I realize the sections were an attempt to help guide us to things we were likely to enjoy and/or have success in reading.  But, I guess I feel that if any kid saw a book in any other section that might have been of interest, they should have been allowed to check it out and at least thumb through it.  Who knows where it might lead?

In any event, our group was actually SENT to the library while the teacher stayed in our classroom with the rest of the students.  I wonder if that still happens now?  We arrived and headed for some of the advanced books and for some reason that is still a mystery to me, the librarian singled me out and said, "These books aren't for you, you need to go over here."  And, she steered me to the first grade section.  My childhood memory tells me that she was pretty harsh about it, but I really can't tell you for certain if that was just my perception that has built up over time or if it was the actual tone she used.

Those who know me probably recognize that as a kid, I would not seek out confrontation.  I would normally keep my mouth shut and do one of two things.  If I was certain that the other person was very much in the 'wrong' I'd find a way to circumvent the situation.  If I wasn't sure what just happened, I would retreat to the point where things still made sense.

In this case, I felt a combination of confusion, shame and embarrassment with a dash of 'but I've already read some of the books located in the advanced section, so there!' thrown in.  So, while my somewhat confused classmates moved on, I turned around and went back to the classroom.  I went back to my desk and started doing whatever it was we were supposed to be doing on our return.  This was the place where things last made sense to me - so there I was.

I seem to recall that I opted not to go back to the school library for some time, though I would go to the city public library and happily browse, read and check things out.  I don't recall how word got to my teacher that I had been stopped from looking at other books, but she did go back up with me at some point and she made a point to tell the librarian that I was allowed to check books out from anyplace in the library I wanted.  I recall I checked something out that was a stretch - but I am sure I read it (as best I could) just to prove the point.

Smart idea?  Might be worth its own blog post someday!

That story is probably one of the first of many that illustrate someone either underestimating or overestimating what I was capable of doing.  I am sure that everyone has some of these in their own life-story.

I re-tell myself this particular story to remind me of a two things:

First, it doesn't take much to hurt someone - and there doesn't have to be intent.  I still recall feeling the burning shame and the beginnings of self-doubt putting cracks in my self-confidence.  Maybe I really wasn't all that smart after all?  Thankfully, I had plenty of additional support from family, my teacher and others and enough of my own self-confidence to heal up rapidly.  I circumvented the limited access problem by going to a 'friendlier' library, so things were fine as far as I was concerned.  But, this story reminds me that not everyone has enough of a support system or sufficient self-worth to weather things that don't seem so big to the rest of us.  And, that's why I try to consider what I say.  And, why I make myself apologize when I err in what I say.  And, perhaps it is why I often just don't say anything!

And second, I tell this story to remind myself that I am not as smart as I might think I am - but I am also not as stupid as I think I am either.  There is such as thing a healthy self-doubt and self-criticism.  But, they must be balanced by a healthy doses of confidence and self-assurance.  I just know that if there is something I am not particularly good at it's assessing my own capabilities accurately.  Let's just say that I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

Maybe I should go to the library and check out a book on the subject.

Maybe it's in the first-grade section.