My jaw muscles have been sore lately and I've been exhausted at the end of each day - but I still sleep badly. I have things I need to do on the farm, but I have been finding reasons to go inside sooner than I should. When I am inside, I find myself getting up and going to a window far more frequently than I usually do so I can scan the horizon. Each time I hear the whine of a big piece of equipment coming down the road or the roar of an airplane, my shoulders creep up to my ears, my blood pressure goes up and and I fight the desire to either hide or go yell profanities to whomever might hear them. I find that I have to remind myself that I do not like violence and it will not solve anything....
Once again, we are "celebrating" the Anniversary We Did Not Want. This is the time each year that I am gifted with the opportunity to better understand why it is people who feel like they are being mistreated might lose their patience with a system that doesn't seem to want to change and fix the problems it has.
So, I hover between the wish that I could take aggressive action and a desire to just hide until it all goes away.
This blog post is actually a pretty good illustration of how I feel right now.
For example, the photo above shows a Wenk's Yellow Hot Pepper on the plant. It is now the season of salsa and BLTs at the farm (if only our lettuce wouldn't get so badly singed in this heat!). There is a whole host of fresh produce we can enjoy. I'd really like to write about and focus on that.
Then, another sprayer applies chemicals a half mile or so away from the farm (this picture is from a different year, but you get the idea). My brain goes to places I do not want it to go and I have to work to take my mind away from a "fight or flight" reflex.
Right now, I am so tired that I opt for flight and I shut the door as I go inside, seal up the windows, and turn my back from the view to the outside.
I look at photos I took of some of our day lilies. They are a little less robust this year because of the drought, but they are still quite pretty. I would prefer to be writing a post about our annual "Lilypalooza" and show pictures like this one.
Or maybe I want to show you pictures like this one.
It is no mistake that I have highlighted pictures where we are up close and personal with the flowers. It is as if I am trying to drown out the rest of the world with the beauty of these blooms.
Perhaps that isn't far from the truth, because when I look up, I see this:
I try to remind myself that the people doing the application are just trying to do a job and earn some money to feed their families and live their lives. But, that reminder doesn't work right now.
Well, it works enough that I remind myself that many of these people are just as much a victim of the system as I am, whether they know it or not. A combination of the corporate ag giants and the governmental systems they influence have created this opportunity for us to celebrate our "anniversary" every year at this time. And, it is humanity's tendency to want to boil it all down to profit and loss that encourages so many of us to pretend there isn't another option.
This is how I feel. I feel as if there is a life and a world out there that can be brilliant and beautiful, but I am having a difficult time seeing it right now. The solution can't be found by me running outside and yelling at the guy in the spray rig nor will we get to a solution if I hide myself in a dark room.
Yet that's what I want to do right now. Maybe I need to show myself a little grace and accept that perhaps I do need to vent a little and/or I need to hide for a while.
Just as long as I promise myself that I'll come back out and try to do the right thing once I feel better.
Here's to feeling better - may it happen soon.