Identification Please 2023

"[E]veryone tells a story about themselves inside their own head.  Always.  All the time.  That story makes you what you are.  We build ourselves out of that story."  

Bast to Chronicler in "Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss.

I distinctly remember a moment in time when I was working on my doctoral thesis that I realized that my story - the one I told myself about myself - had just changed.  I am not sure if there was a particular driving event, but I simply understood that I was no longer an individual who wanted to achieve completion of a PhD.  Instead, I knew I was a person who had earned that PhD and it was simply a matter of dotting i's and crossing t's to get others to recognize that same thing.

It was also at that time that I realized that many doctoral committees are simply waiting for the student to come to this conclusion.  Once a student begins to identify as someone who belongs in the group of people who have moved on to the 'next step,' then it is time to facilitate moving to that next step.

Of course, the transition from student to academic with an earned degree wasn't quite as instantaneous as that.  There were still days that I told myself a story of uncertainty.  Was I just an imposter trying to be something and somebody else?    

But, over time, the story gained clarity and I became someone who belonged, more or less, in academia.  I say "more or less" because part of my story I told myself was that there were some traits attributed to academics that I didn't want applied to me.  So, I told myself a story of how I was 'my own kind' of academic.  I also say "more or less" because, like many people who are self-critical, there were plenty of moments where I still thought this all must be some sort of colossal mistake that I had a PhD...

When we moved to the Genuine Faux Farm, I had to adjust the story I told myself.  I was an academic waiting for the opportunity that was certain to come along.  In the meantime, I adjusted my story by re-inserting parts of myself that had 'gone on vacation' while I concentrated whole-heartedly on my education.  I also introduced new ideas and new concepts.  There were fresh subplots, plot twists and new characters.

Eventually, I became "Farmer Rob."  Once again, there was plenty of learning to do.  There were numerous occasions where I was not sure I was anything better than an imposter.  But, there came a moment when I knew that the Farmer Rob story was, in fact, who I was.  I belonged, more or less, in a community of people who worked hard to grow food for others.

Before you get the wrong idea, let me make it clear that a strong story does not mean there aren't moments of self-doubt and uncertainty.  That's simply part of my story of being human and imperfect.  This subplot is what keeps me looking to learn - keeps me questioning and pushing to do better - no matter what the rest of the plot for the story is.

I worked so hard to build Farmer Rob for a little over sixteen years that it was a little disconcerting to consider a dramatic change to the plot line.  And, yet, that's exactly what I did in 2020 - a time when so many others were thinking hard about where they needed to go next.  I took a job with Pesticide Action Network with the idea that both my academic story and my farmer stories could serve me in a new way.

Today, the story I tell myself often focuses around observing, learning, thinking hard, and writing.  I still have a lot of Farmer Rob in me, and there are significant moments where Teacher Rob, Music-lover Rob, Mentor Rob, Academic Rob, Postal Historian Rob, Nature-loving Rob, and whatever other Rob there is takes the lead.  Sometimes there are so many Robs in my story that it gets crowded and confused.  

But eventually one of these Robs decides they are going to eat today's lunch, no matter what the others might say about it.  

I have come to realize that my story changes a little bit every single day.  And that's my new battle.  If you think I had moments of self-doubt when I was focusing on entering the academic or farming worlds, what happens when you straddle several such worlds at one time?

Who am I today?  Who will I be tomorrow?  Which story is going to be the one I turn the pages on in the near future?  Are any of the stories closed?  Are there still unknown story lines to be introduced?

Well, I will tell you this much.  When I see myself next, I might have to ask to see my identification.

And no, I am not really having an identity crisis.  I am simply finding myself in a complex story.  One that I am telling myself.  One that defines who I think I am.  And I have come to the conclusion that it's not about trying to finalize my identity for comfort's sake.  It's about appreciating the story as it unfolds.