Conflict Resolution

When the temperature rises, what does Carrotman do?  Does he throw the other vegetables out of the pan to save them, or does he negotiate with the person controlling the stove to cool things down?  It's actually a pretty good question for all of us to be asking ourselves now and again.

At a recent retreat participants were asked to use an online tool to help determine each person's natural inclination when it comes to situations of conflict.  This tool can be found on this site maintained by United States Institute of Peace.

Over my lifetime I've taken various personality tests, the most well-known being the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator.  And, for the record, I have been a solid INTJ from the beginning.  And, I am definitely not at all wishy-washy on the "I" part (Introvert).  In fact, my score on the test that was on record when I first attended college alerted the helping services folks (or whatever they were called) at the school that they should check in with me.

When I arrived at my appointment I simply pointed out that I had come to the meeting successfully, which meant I probably could handle life at college as an introvert.  If I had skipped the meeting - which my score probably indicated I would - it would have confirmed that we would have an issue. They readily conceded the point and I happily returned to my dorm room.

Later on, I was introduced to the Merrill-Reid Method to understand personality types, and this article explains the basics fairly well.  While Myers-Briggs helped me to understand myself a little bit better - even if I was personally annoyed that most of the questions should have had the answer "it depends," Merrill-Reid encouraged me to spend more time understanding others.

And, again full disclosure, I fall under the "analytic" personality type - which explained to me why my initial reaction to some folks who are "expressives" might be to back away slowly (or rapidly depending on the situation).  

Then there is Connie Podesta's Personality Shapes.  My introduction to this classification system was in a group where everyone spent time placing themselves physically in a room on a spectrum in answer to various questions.  It helped because everyone could see that sometimes a reaction isn't so much because of a person as much as the the situation or the presentation.

That brings us to the Conflict Styles Assessment that started the whole blog.

I was completely unsurprised by anything I found as I read the results.  My top two results were "Problem Solver" and "Accommodator."  

I landed somewhere in the 50 to 55 percent range for "Negotiator" and "Avoider" and then landed at a resounding NO WAY (0%) for "Competer."

Again, there were no surprises here for me at all.  This is especially true when we all remember that these are tendencies, not hard and fast rules that are always followed.  I am not always going to act like an Introvert.  I can find myself landing in the Driver or Amiable quadrants instead of the Analytic when my situation calls for it.  And, I can even be a Competer if I have to be.

It is all about recognizing better what makes each of us who we are.  It reminds me that other people don't fall back on the same tendencies I do.  It encourages me to exercise other parts of me that come less intuitively.  And it helps me to understand what I am not.

For example, I am capable of acting like a Competer if I am presented with a crisis that calls for swift, decisive action and the use of my persuasive skills.  But, I can also tell you that I would not be happy doing it.  That would be especially true if I felt I were making other people unhappy and unfulfilled in the process.  I am not that person who tries to always push my agenda on others - even if I do write a blog almost daily. 

So, what was my reason for taking the blog down this path today?  Well, I tend to notice that some participants in groups that explore personality types like to embrace their personality type as if it is a shield to protect them from all other personality type.  Others prefer to have the label as an excuse, so they don't have to own their own actions.  Some even believe it is a reason to stop trying to exercise other "personality muscles," like the introvert learning how to speak in front of others, or the squiggle learning to listen more effectively.

Instead, I feel that learning your personality tendencies provides you with information so you can improve yourself and so you can offer grace to others when they fall prey to their own default actions.  And that's why I take the time once in a while and think about them.  Maybe it will help you too?  Or maybe you've just realized why you do (or don't) enjoy reading some of my blogs.

Good enough for me.  Have a good week everyone!