Tread Lightly

 

Cats and humans do not exactly speak the same languages and they certainly come with different perspectives when it comes to the world around us.  What I have learned over time, with the help of my various feline friends, is that when you are not absolutely certain how your words or actions will be interpreted - you tread lightly.

It's actually common sense.  Reserve the heavy-handed response or the emotionally charged display or the loud and expansive declaration for those rare moments when they are really needed.  Otherwise, take a more conservative approach.  After all, if you start with your volume at 11, there isn't anywhere else to go.

After yesterday's post made me reflect on our prior feline companions, I realized that we were taught how to better communicate - both with cats and people - by Eowyn and Strider.  I am positive this has not prevented me from making more mistakes with our feline friends since that time - but I'd like to think I have gotten more innovative with the errors of my ways.  At least that's one way to put it.

On the very rare occasion that I might raise my voice towards one of them, it tends to get results.  And, I rarely feel good about it afterwards.  That's simply confirmation that maybe that approach is best left to extreme circumstances.

Yet, we make mistakes like this all of the time in our day to day communications - and I don't think we even recognize it.  It is one thing if we are face to face, maskless, and with people we know well.  Members of the group are familiar with each other and ALL of the communication clues are present and accounted for.  We can get away with short-cuts and we can be a bit more ridiculous, a bit more emotional, a bit more clever, and maybe even a bit more truthful in those situations.

But, take away some of the clues and you have problems.

Case in point?  I was having a conversation with a couple of people with whom I was acquainted.  We had a hobby in common that put us together.  Otherwise, we only had the basics as to what each person did and what each individual was like.  We were face to face, but wearing masks.

I tried to make a clever and slightly sarcastic remark as it seemed to be fitting with their mood and conversation.

They both became silent and stared at me.

Then I realized something.  They did not know me all that well and they could not read my eyes.  They could not see my smile and the tone was muffled.  I, of course, made sure to explain what I was saying and the tension left rapidly - thank goodness.

I had broken the rule of treading lightly when there are hindrances towards understanding between members of a conversation.

We break this rule constantly with electronic communication modes - both when we type/speak or when we read/listen.  It is bad enough when we type our words and then fail to re-consider them before posting (or speaking).  It is worse if, as the listener or reader, we don't take a moment to consider the intent behind the words.

There are ways to tread lightly and still stand firm when one must do so without losing the power of what you are saying.  There are ways to tread lightly when you confront another person so that you do not turn it into a public shaming event - giving them space to go about the learning they might need and removing the motivation to dig in their heels and close their ears and eyes.  There are ways to tread lightly and gently probe for more clarity, while being friendly, approachable and kind.

Another case in point - this time online, but still within the same hobby.  I shared an item and someone bluntly posted that they thought it (a piece of postal history) was a fake.  Others jumped to my defense before I even knew there was a response - some of their comments were interpreted by the person who felt the item was fake as being a bit aggressive.  What should I do now?

I tread lightly.  I openly admitted that there could be questions about the item even though I felt it was genuine - and I asked what this person had seen.  They responded.  I recognized their observations as valid concerns and then I discussed each of them and why I didn't think they were a problem - and allowed them to counter if they wanted.  The key was to give this person's observations and concerns value and voice while making it clear the question was still open (that I was not in agreement yet - and might never be).

In the end, we both agreed the item was fine.  In the end, we had more respect for each other - or at least I think we did.  It was still all online and there are still limits to what I can conclude.

So much of the time, treading lightly is a better way to promote learning and mutual understanding - because treading lightly doesn't mean you have to agree about everything.  Treading lightly doesn't mean we have to be someone other than ourselves.  All it means is that we're trying to adjust for the non verbal and other clues we are missing and we're admitting to ourselves that we could be missing something very important.

And, by the way, you should also SIT LIGHTLY in case there is a cat wrapped up in the blanket on the chair.