Facing Inward or Outward?

Which way do you face when you represent yourself, your viewpoints, or a group you belong to?

Do you face inwards - speaking to the crowd you already know and, most likely, get along with quite well?  Or do you face outwards - welcoming others into your world, even if you might be judged or belittled?

Don't mind him, he's just being reflective....

Let me clarify something first.

You can speak facing inwards, but make yourself loud enough that many, MANY other people can hear you.  But, based on what you say and how you say it, you can make it plenty clear that you are facing your "group" or "posse" or whatever you want to call it.  In the process, you also make it painfully clear who you are excluding and who you believe does not belong.  

Facing inwards is the easiest thing to do and its the most comfortable thing to do.  And, frankly, it is actually the RIGHT thing to do at times.  If you are having a personal conversation, your full attention should be on that conversation.  Family time is family time.  A group that works together needs to concentrate on what they're doing.  There are times when you need the comfort your group gives you.  I get that and feel that way often myself.

The problem is - because it is the easiest thing to do - it often becomes the only thing we do.  And that's when organizations, groups, and ideas begin to stagnate and, often, die.

A Quick Story

Yep, now he's doing a different kind of reflection...

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I am an introvert and I do not like to insert myself into groups of people who appear to have already established themselves.  I read signs that tell me that I am not welcome easily and will probably also interpret some things as unwelcoming even if they aren't supposed to be.  

I heard about a particular group in high school that advertised that they were going to do an activity I thought I might be interested in.  It was a newly forming group, but it still took a fair bit of gumption for me to actually GO to the room where they were meeting.  But, as I walked into the room, all of the signs were there that I would not be staying long.

There were eight people I did not know all that well.  They were sitting at a table looking at and/or talking with each other.  I wasn't late to the gathering and it had been openly advertised.  Yet, no one did much more than make a furtive glance in my direction when I entered the room.

Perhaps they thought I had come to the wrong place and I would figure it out quickly?  But, I knew this was the right place, so I stood patiently for a little while.  But, this only got a few more uncomfortable looks and no words were passed my direction.

As I listened, it was clear that this group WAS looking at the very activities I was interested in.  But, it was also equally clear that I was not part of the "choir," so to speak - and I was obviously not welcome.

The only way I was going to join was if I forced my way in.  So, I left.

Lest you suggest that this is just the way teenagers are - sometimes pretty cruel with each other - I will add that a similar scene has played out more than once since then during my adult life.

Body stances remain closed, indicating that "we" are having a private conversation that someone else (the person who is outside looking in) would be rude to interrupt.  Conversations make reference to a whole host of inside knowledge, names and words, and no effort is made to make the content accessible to someone who is not also in the group.  And perhaps, there are even words said or actions taken that make it clear that certain folk need not apply... so to speak.

In the end, we appear to be quite fond of creating groups where a person has to know the secret password ahead of time to get involved. Otherwise, they might as well stay away or maybe form their own group.

Thoughts on Facing Outward

Outward... upward... whatever!  It's still a pretty blue!

1. Body Language Speaks Clearly

Facing outward just enough to be welcoming can be as simple as turning your chair ever so slightly so it appears as if a spot is being opened for someone else to join in.  It could be eye contact and a quick greeting, granting permission for someone outside the group to at least ask about what is going on.  And, if the person you are letting into the group is an introvert, they will also appreciate it if you don't grab onto them and push them into the lion's den.  It always helps to allow access to the wading pool and give clear access to the escape ladder should that person need a gracious way to remove themselves for a bit.... hopefully with the knowledge they are welcomed to return.

Even a quick hand gesture or other recognition to indicate that you see somebody, but you can't exit a conversation at a given moment is all that is needed to provide that little bit of welcome.

2. They Don't Know Your Language

Even if you physically let someone join a group and do all you can to try to make them feel welcome, you can close them out effectively with the shared words and acronyms your group uses. 

As a person who has studied Computer Science, I can tell you how frustrating the sheer volume of acronyms and short-cut words can be if you aren't already in the club.  It's even worse for me because I now have experience in several fields and some of the same acronyms and terms show up - but with different MEANINGS!  I mean, DBA is a Data Base Administrator to me, but to some it stands for "Doing Business As," and to others it is "Doctor of Business Administration" or maybe it's "Diamond-Blackfan Anemia?"

So, if you are interested in facing outwards more often, sprinkle your use of terminology easy explanations without making a big deal of it.  

For example, if you say, "Well, Rob's new here.  So, Rob, when we say "rock the boat" around here, we mean that you should play the loudest, rowdiest song you can find on the stereo in the canoe.  We prefer something by Metallica if you can manage it."

Unless this is just a personal conversation between the two of us, you're not doing me a favor.  You're reminding me that I don't yet belong AND you're making a big deal over your effort to explain things to me.

Instead, a quick explanation that you can easily repeat later on without fanfare can work.  "Anyway, we're looking at filing for another DBA, or Doing Business As, form because we will be working under the alias "Joe Schmoe" as well as "Joe Black."

Later on, you can just slip in the words for the acronym...  "As I was filling out the Doing Business As from, or DBA, I noticed that..."

It's quick.  It includes those who don't have that acronym filed in the front of their brains.  It doesn't call attention to the fact that you are working hard to be inclusive.  

Instead, you just ARE being inclusive.  Huh.  How'd that happen?

3. Avoid Exclusionary Statements

If its not the terminology, it can be the ideology... the ideas you hold and spout that can be just as exclusive.

As a quick example, I'll reference philately (postage stamp collecting).  A young person was at their first stamp show and a long-time collector loudly stated that the ONLY way to collect was to buy unused postage stamps that were in perfect condition.  Everything else was a waste of time.

Just because this was a first show, that doesn't mean the individual wasn't already collecting.  In fact, they probably were - and they probably weren't collecting the "right" way at that.  But, a blanket statement that there was only one way to go and all others were inferior is a quick way to push a new person away - perhaps permanently.

We do this all the time, without even thinking about it.  And, we are honing this skill - the skill of exclusion - by using social media to talk loudly, but talk inward.  We put forth words and phrases and thoughts that only our small group will appreciate without considering who we are hurting and who we are leaving out. 

We preach to the choir with great conviction and we don't hesitate to throw others under the bus if we can get the people inside our group to tug their ears and shout an "amen."   Then we have the audacity to wonder why we can't convince anyone else to join?  Really?

If you would face outward, you have to find out where other people live and you actually have to listen AND make clear that it is ok to be different, to not have full knowledge of a certain topic and to be a person climbing the learning curve.  It also wouldn't hurt to include a little humility and recognition that none of us is perfect and not a single one of us knows all of the answers.  

Sure, some of us have expertise in some things and our opinions in those subjects can carry more weight.  But, how we throw that weight around counts for something too.

Now.  If only I could be perfect at facing outward when I should and inward when I need to.  Heck, I wrote a blog about it, I must have all of the answers....

Never mind.  I'm still climbing the learning curve.  Maybe you can climb it with me.

Maybe we'll find a healthy balance together.