Well, it is official. Despite the Inspector's annoyance with the zippy, little orange thing on the farm, we have decided to name the kitten that adopted the Genuine Faux Farm as its home.
Please welcome...
Murphy the Nibster. For those who don't know, "nibster" is "monster" if you happen to shift your right hand over one spot as a touch typist. How do I know that? Hey, it happens sometimes. The world shifts a little and your knowledge of the location of the "home row" goes with it.
At this point, I think both Soup and the Inspector will agree that Murphy IS a Nibster (Monster). All you have to do is look at Inspector's face in the picture above. Yeah. That is not full and enthusiastic acceptance for having another feline eating out of the food bowl.
Before you get worried that Murphy will be abused by Inspector, I think you've got the worry backwards. If anything, Murphy's zippy and erratic movements encourage Inspector to keep his distance. We'll see what happens over time. Maybe Murphy will join the team and graduate from Nibster status.
Stay tuned!
No, Murphy does NOT want to sit still for a picture.
Pay attention! This is serious stuff. I, the Sandman, have spoken!
Physics is the study of objects (matter) as it moves through space and
time. Yes, yes, I know. The Physicists in the audience are cringing at
the simplification, but we are actually going to cover Feline
Physics today. The rules are different, so a poor one-line summary of
physics will suffice. So there!
Also - the above statement was approved by the Inspector. And, as we all know, if the Inpsector approves, it is as good as gold!
Cats in Motion
For some reason, it seems like cats have their own formulas that they
follow when it comes to speed of travel and acceleration. How is it
possible that a cat can cover so much ground in such a short period of
time and STILL make it seem like forever? For an example, the short
Youtube video above shows Inspector coming to check that Rob has closed
Valhalla up correctly for the night.
This brings me to some points to ponder when it comes to cats moving through time:
1. How does a cat know what speed is appropriate to maintain a
human's attention for the entire distance of travel while still
frustrating them with the delay?
For example, Inspector will announce his presence by 'meowing' to the
humans. He has their attention. They respond by saying hello and
inviting him to come visit. He accelerates just enough to show interest
and to freeze the human in place. Then, once he is sure the human is
waiting, he decelerates enough to show that he isn't THAT interested.
There appears to be some sort of sensor in a cat that knows when to
speed up a little when the human starts to lose interest and to slow
down just enough to increase the anticipation (or frustration).
2. Cats appear to have the ability to go from 0 to 60 mph and back
to 0 mph instantaneously. How is it that we have not unlocked this
travel potential ourselves?
Granted, it is not often you will see a cat going full speed all that
often. It is also true that you will find them sleeping (0 mph) more
often than not. Perhaps we just need to sleep more and then we can wake
up and instantly travel someplace else at a full rate of speed... then
sleep again?
3. How do some cats know when you really need them to act like they are very happy that you called them over?
There are times when a cat actually shows a fair amount of... well... joy, when their human acknowledges them and encourages them to travel the distance between them. It doesn't happen often and it doesn't mean they forsake rule #1 above. But there are times when each member of the Farm Supervisory Team (indoor and outdoor) have made it VERY clear that they are happy to see us.
The amazing thing is that it doesn't have to happen much more than once or twice a year, yet they somehow manage to get the memory of that event to STICK in our brains. Suddenly we are thinking that the cats ACTUALLY LIKE US. Which, of course, makes us more tolerant for longer periods of time so they can do more strolling than trotting when they are making their way to us in the future.
Clever kitties.
Cat Gravity and Particle Physics
If you have spent any time around cats, you have likely witnessed
evidence that they do not follow the same laws of gravity we do. Watch a
cat bound up or down a stairway, leap from the floor to a ledge 6 feet
off the ground (with out a run up) or get startled into a jump and turn
completely around in the air and you are seeing evidence that they must
not have to play by the same rules we do.
It's even more evident that something is different when an older, heavier cat can make going up the stairs seem like a chore one day and then there is evidence that they some how got on top of the REFRIGERATOR the next day. Cats are either natural sandbaggers or they have a "get out of gravity card" that they can play when there is a Spider plant up on the refrigerator for them to chew on.
But there is no place where the exceptions for cats are more evident
than the human lap. Cats have special sensors that KNOW when you are
about to get up. If they are NOT on your lap at that moment, they will
seek to get there, turning off gravity so they can leap more easily from
wherever they are to arrive at their destination before your muscles do
much more than twitch with the beginning motions for rising from your
chair. If they are already IN your lap they hit you with the
double-whammy:
a. they turn gravity ON so they become much heavier than they have a
right to be. It's almost as if they are saying, "NOW, try to move me,
bub!"
b. they begin emitting "sleepions."
Sleepions are notorious for causing two reactions in the human species.
The first, of course, is that they may cause drowsiness. The second is
a profound feeling of guilt or regret that you must disturb such a
nice, warm, sleepy critter just to do something as inconsequential as..
oh. say...
Get something to drink. Use the bathroom. Go do work. Find out why
the fire alarm has gone off. You know.. stuff that can wait.
You can wait. So there.
Brownian Motion?
A physicist might tell me that this is random motion of particles in a
fluid, but I tell you that this is the random results on your keyboard
when a cat decides to help you type.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Cats and the Passage of Time
We know cats are aware of the passage of time because they are very good at reminding humans what time it is.
It's time for you to feed me.
It is NOT time for you to get up. I am in your lap.
You have nothing but time when I am walking toward you to say hello.
The best time for a nap is NOW.
Do you remember that time the cat followed our schedule? Neither do I.
The sun puddle has moved, time to get up.
It's time for you to feed me (again).
Schrodinger's Cat.. for Cats
The basic idea of Schrodinger's Cat was that if you put a cat in a box
with something that could kill it and sealed it up, you would not know whether or not the the
cat was alive - hence it could be both alive and dead at a given
moment. Please note, I think we have to assume that Schrodinger had somehow created a sound proof box. I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting feline is going to go down without a few choice words.
While cats do not much care for this thought experiment with that
particular context, they do exercise this thought pattern every day.
Cat: Hm. The door is closed. I wonder if there is food or no food on the other side?
(you can substitute "human lap," "sun puddle," or "keyboard" for "food" in that last sentence if you would like variety)
Cats, however, really don't care about the 'both could be true' thought
experiment. What they care about are ANSWERS NOW. This is why closed
doors draw so much feline attention.
Pay attention! This is serious stuff. I, the Sandman, have spoken!
Catmatism
I was going to call this "cat magnetism," and then I also thought about "cat hypnotism" and "cat pragmatism." So, we'll just go with "catmatism."
The cat pragmatism is clearly illustrated with the Schrodinger's Cat thing. As I said, a cat doesn't really care about thought experiments, unless it is "there is an answer" or "there is no answer." Why should they worry about "there could be more than one answer and they could be opposites?" To a cat, that makes no sense and it makes no difference. What matters is the answer that is WHAT IS, not what COULD BE.
You could argue that my analysis here is incorrect because the very fact that cats seem to work to make certain things happen just might imply that they do consider what "could be." And, you could have been right except cats don't consider that the opposite of what they WANT is even POSSIBLE.
There is (food, sun puddle, lap, spider plant, etc) on the other side of this door. I will get there and I WILL partake.
All of that comes about in part because of the hypnotism and magnetism components of a cat.
Hmmm. Why do I feel that I must pick up Bree's favorite toy now and wave it around. I mean, she's just been sitting there... looking at me for the last several minutes. Could it be? Nooooo. I WANT to play with the cat now. It's my choice, not hers.
If you have been paying attention to the blogs posted here for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, you might have noticed that we've used the input of some of the denizens of the Genuine Faux Farm. If you missed them, Chicken Stu started us off on Tuesday, followed by some Lost Writings from the Sandman. Crazy Maurice weighed in on yesterday's blog.
Today, we asked the Inspector if he would be willing to answer a few more questions that we have received for his input.
What do you do when it gets REALLY cold outside?
I'm not sure what you are asking. It's really nice out here right now.
(The farmer tries to explain that the questioner wants to know what he does on days when it IS really cold...)
But, it's not really cold right now. A little wet in places, but I can find a nice spot under that green tree over there that's dry. I've made a nice little nest there where I can be forewarned when you or Pretty Lady come out of the house or are on the way back into it.
After a while, I can munch a little food and drink a little water. Then I can take a stroll over the building without walls (the old barn) and find a spot in the old straw to hang out for a while.
(The farmer tries to explain... again.)
OH. You mean WAY back THEN? Why would we want to talk about that? It was cold and I didn't like it. But, it's ok. It's nice today and I can find some great places to be.
How important is dignity to a cat?
What is it with your questions for today? A cat is ALWAYS dignified because a cat is always doing what it wants to do when it wants to do it. How can that NOT be dignified.
(The farmer attempts to explain that it has to do with a picture of him accepting a belly-rub...)
You're offering a belly-rub? Ok.
(After a belly-rub, the farmer attempts to explain.... one more time)
Let's see. You're telling me that you offering a belly-rub and me deciding I like that idea is somehow undignified? I did get you to do something I like when I wanted it didn't I?
(The farmer concedes the point.)
Do you like chicken?
You know, they're just a bit uptight, don't you think? I mean, I'm sure they're fine and all of that. After all, I see that you give them food and water every day. So, they must have some reason for being here. But, I don't really want to hang around with them much.
(The farmer points out that the hens were actually a little upset the last time he visited their pasture...)
Well, yeah. As I said, they're a little uptight. I was just meandering and checking the world out - no big deal you know? It meant I had to change how I went about doing my rounds - but it's all good. They don't really bother me, you know?
(What? You expected a different answer?)
Give us NEW questions to ask the Inspector!
The Inspector actually likes this question and answer game! But, we've run out of questions that have been offered up for the Inspector. Put some new ones in the comments for the blog or for social media. Or if you would prefer, you can email us at genuinefauxfarm (at gmail dot com).
In mid-May, the Inspector expressed a willingness to answer your questions and we put that out there for people who were interested in what he had to say. In true feline form, the Inspector's schedule was more important than the farmer's schedule. We got the answers when we got the answers.
However, before you make the mistake of thinking the Inspector is a lot like the Sandman, let us assure you that the Inspector is a very different cat (as all cats are). For the most part, the Inspector is very friendly to humans and he does enjoy positive attention. He is much more likely to have a longer conversation with the farmers and those conversations are not entirely about his opinion.
Instead of all this preamble, let's just get to the questions, shall we?
to the Inspector (from other cats): How do we persuade our human to feed us whenever we wish?
The Inspector responds:
First, I am a bit astonished that there are cats out there who feel it is necessary to convince their humans that food should be provided even prior to a request. At the farm, we expect to have food available without asking - which is exactly how it should be. Clearly, this is a problem that started with the earliest training sessions and it is likely to be difficult to change the bad habits.
One suggestion that may work - catch yourself a fine rodent of unusual size. Eat half of that rodent (your choice which half) and place the other half somewhere so the human will see it. Once they encounter a half-eaten rodent, they will recognize that you know they must be having a difficult time acquiring food and that you are offering to provide your share. Humans appear to be motivated by guilt or shame and rarely miss getting food to you for some time after that.
Shhh! Don't tell the Inspector that we featured one of his baby pictures!
Do you have a favorite farmer? Which human obeys most of your directives?
the Inspector responds:
I find that the human ego is quite fragile, so I make sure that I am very careful to give positive reinforcement to each farmer as they display need. The Guy with the Red Hat seems to need consoling more often than Pretty Lady does, but once I give him some attention, he usually does exactly what I want (typically a really good skritch). Pretty Lady is a bit more like a cat (a big complement, as far as I am concerned) and it is harder to predict what she is going to do next.
How do you keep your fur so white?
We tried to get Inspector to respond to this one while recording - please see the Youtube video for his 'answer.'
Indoor cats have small patches of sunshine in which to nap. With all of the choices of sunshine patches outdoors, how do you find the best one for an afternoon nap?
the Inspector responds:
Selecting the perfect napping spot is an important aspect of being a proper farm supervisor. A respectable feline considers all kinds of factors. Personally, I look at wind direction, air temperature, potential for precipitation, flying insect load, density of diving barn swallows and likelihood that the location will result in sufficient skritches from the humans. Surface qualities are typically a secondary consideration, but I do like a nice straw bale when I can get it.
Are there any vegetable patches you avoid and why?
the Inspector responds:
I'm not certain what you mean.... vegetable?
What IS the secret to the universe?
the Inspector responds:
When the human asked me this question he said "some portion of 42" and then started laughing. Whatever. He gave me a good skritching when I asked for it, so I'll let him have his fun this time. Let me suggest that if you do not know where to look for the secret to the universe, you should find yourself a proper place to take a good nap. I'm sure it will come to you eventually.
